a late night conversation with myself…

Tonight I asked myself what do I want to understand a little bit better about America?  There’s something happening that feels very unique now.  Unfamiliar.   I paid attention to where my line of inquiry lead me.

First, I GOOGLED:  What makes people curious?

SOURCE: https://www.quora.com/Why-arent-many-people-curious

…’Curiosity’ is a discrete psychological trait that varies within human populations just like other personality dimensions such as extroversion/introversion and agreeableness/aggression.”

OK, some people are born curious and others aren’t.  Well, that makes a lot of sense, right?  Then I started wondering what’s the opposite of curious?  Skepticism? No, skepticism plays in the same sandbox as curiosity.  Disinterested?  Unconcerned?  It wasn’t very clear to me in any way.

I asked myself a question—How do I feel when I’m not being curious? 

I think I might feel certain.

I make assumptions based on my gut or environmental factors/circumstances.

I don’t feel very curious.  I don’t value other people’s ideas.  I don’t listen.

So, next I GOOGLED:  What makes people certain about things?

https://www.quora.com/Why-are-people-so-certain-about-things-that-there-is-no-way-they-can-be-certain-about

“,,,Certainty and similar states of “knowing what we know” arise out of primary brain mechanisms that, like love or anger, function independently of rationality or reason. Feeling correct or certain isn’t a deliberate conclusion or conscious choice. It is a mental sensation that happens to us…”     Source: “ON BEING CERTAIN: Believing You Are Right Even When You’re Not”  by Dr. Robert A. Burton

So, certainty is actually a biological feeling, a mental sensation independent of rationality or reason?  We choose certainty because it’s easier?

Damn, that’s really interesting.  Now what?  CERTAINTY is so polarizing in America (and in my own home with young adult children).  It’s a conversation killer.  It’s a deal breaker.  It keeps organizations from growing.  How do we find common ground in our nation now?  It’s late—2:53 am—this is way too much for my very tired brain.

I had to further narrow my inquiry. 

HOW DO CERTAINTY & CURIOSITY MANIFEST IN MY LIFE?

Curiosity results in greater understanding & builds trust.

Certainty tends to make me rigid & judgmental.

I don’t want to be rigid & judgmental.

I want to be curious.

Whew, that was interesting and pretty exhausting.  After many hours and lost sleep, I’ve confirmed that my desire is to be a curious person and that few things in life are so certain that they don’t require some investigation.  Life is really funny sometimes.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

And just for reference…This is where I started 4 hours ago. 

My husband, Jeff listened to a book about Jim Jones and told me about it—fascinating and horrifying.  I needed to know more.  Curiosity takes us on interesting journeys, huh?  I’m not going to read the book (39 hours of audio).  Jeff told me enough to want to know a more.  I stumbled upon this information.

Ten warning signs of a potentially unsafe group/leader.

By Rick Ross, Expert Consultant and Intervention Specialist

  1. Absolute authoritarianism without meaningful accountability.
  2. No tolerance for questions or critical inquiry.
  3. No meaningful financial disclosure regarding budget, expenses such as an independently audited financial statement.
  4. Unreasonable fear about the outside world, such as impending catastrophe, evil conspiracies and persecutions.
  5. There is no legitimate reason to leave, former followers are always wrong in leaving, negative or even evil.
  6. Former members often relate the same stories of abuse and reflect a similar pattern of grievances.
  7. There are records, books, news articles, or television programs that document the abuses of the group/leader.
  8. Followers feel they can never be “good enough”.
  9. The group/leader is always right.
  10. The group/leader is the exclusive means of knowing “truth” or receiving validation, no other process of discovery is really acceptable or credible.

Ten warning signs regarding people involved in/with a potentially unsafe group/leader.

  1. Extreme obsessiveness regarding the group/leader resulting in the exclusion of almost every practical consideration.
  2. Individual identity, the group, the leader and/or God as distinct and separate categories of existence become increasingly blurred. Instead, in the follower’s mind these identities become substantially and increasingly fused–as that person’s involvement with the group/leader continues and deepens.
  3. Whenever the group/leader is criticized or questioned it is characterized as “persecution”.
  4. Uncharacteristically stilted and seemingly programmed conversation and mannerisms, cloning of the group/leader in personal behavior.
  5. Dependency upon the group/leader for problem solving, solutions, and definitions without meaningful reflective thought. A seeming inability to think independently or analyze situations without group/leader involvement.
  6. Hyperactivity centered on the group/leader agenda, which seems to supercede any personal goals or individual interests.
  7. A dramatic loss of spontaneity and sense of humor.
  8. Increasing isolation from family and old friends unless they demonstrate an interest in the group/leader.
  9. Anything the group/leader does can be justified no matter how harsh or harmful.
  10. Former followers are at best-considered negative or worse evil and under bad influences. They can not be trusted and personal contact is avoided.

Ten signs of a safe group/leader.

  1. A safe group/leader will answer your questions without becoming judgmental and punitive.
  2. A safe group/leader will disclose information such as finances and often offer an independently audited financial statement regarding budget and expenses. Safe groups and leaders will tell you more than you want to know.
  3. A safe group/leader is often democratic, sharing decision making and encouraging accountability and oversight.
  4. A safe group/leader may have disgruntled former followers, but will not vilify, excommunicate and forbid others from associating with them.
  5. A safe group/leader will not have a paper trail of overwhelmingly negative records, books, articles and statements about them.
  6. A safe group/leader will encourage family communication, community interaction and existing friendships and not feel threatened.
  7. A safe group/leader will recognize reasonable boundaries and limitations when dealing with others.
  8. A safe group/leader will encourage critical thinking, individual autonomy and feelings of self-esteem.
  9. A safe group/leader will admit failings and mistakes and accept constructive criticism and advice.
  10. A safe group/leader will not be the only source of knowledge and learning excluding everyone else, but value dialogue and the free exchange of ideas.

I don’t know where all of this information will lead me.  I guess I wanted to better understand cult leaders.  This made me think about “ABC After School Specials” in the 70s and 80s when kids had to be “reprogrammed”.  In my memory, Jodie Foster was constantly reprogrammed after having fallen prey to a cult leader. 

 

 

SOURCES: wikipedia—Rick Alan Ross

cult education warning signs

Good golly, I’m certain it’s time for bed. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

 

 

Happy Father’s Day!

One of my favorite memories with my Dad this year was surprising him at his induction into the South Dakota High School Basketball Hall of Fame in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.  The banquet was held right around the time of the state tournaments in March.  Basketball was a really big connector for my family—both watching and playing.

I wasn’t a great player by any stretch of the imagination, but I’m sure I was better because of Dad’s coaching and shooting hoops after supper.  My Dad actually sent someone into the locker room at half time to tell me that I wasn’t getting my feet off the floor on my jump shots in a game against our rivals, Gregory.  He was right and I don’t remember exactly, but I suspect that didn’t make me jump much higher.

It was a privilege to hear all of the other high school basketball stories from around South Dakota.  We laughed, we cried and we celebrated hard work, talent and competitiveness.

So on this Father’s Day in 2017 thank you for helping create the woman I am today.  And if you don’t feel like claiming any responsibility, well that’s OK too Dad.  No harm.  No foul.

 

It’s the last day of school…

here in Burlington, Vermont.  My twin girls will be seniors next year so I’m heading into my last year of parenting kids in high school.  I’m finding myself feeling uniquely nostalgic.  I’m not sad about the inevitable transition, but I am mindful.

Last Day of School Lucy and Willa

I have friends whose oldest or only children are graduating on Friday.  It’s big.  When my son graduated from high school in 2014, I was sort of a mess.  I believe there’s just something about transitions that requires us to take stock of our emotions.

The summer between my junior year and senior year of high school was rough for me.  I had a lot of friends in the class above me and they were all leaving for college and other adventures.  Every time during their senior year when we played a ball game, sang in a concert or went to the drive-in movie theater it felt like we were saying goodbye to our childhoods.

Last weekend in South Dakota I got to spend time with some of those friends who graduated a year ahead of me.  It was great!  I simply cannot believe how much time has passed…1983 and 1984 just don’t seem all that long ago in some ways.  I’m very aware of how my daughters are feeling this last summer before they graduate from high school…perhaps even a little too aware.

I guess to honor life’s transitions, we need to slow down a little and try to understand what it is we’re feeling…the good, the bad and the slightly confusing.

Happy Graduation Class of 2017!

 

these images just keep coming…

I love it when an idea won’t let me go…it seems that it’s demanding more of me.  I have some travel time to sketch and write today on my way to my niece’s wedding in South Dakota and maybe some thoughts will take root.  I’m pretty sure these images are in reaction to my “shitty roommate” post from last week.  Perhaps these images represent the flip side of our lousy inner voice?  I thought of this quote as I worked on these photographs.

“Courage is like—it’s a habitus, a habit, a virtue: You get it by courageous acts. It’s like you learn to swim by swimming. You learn courage by couraging.”

—Brené Brown

Below is the link to the post I”m referencing.

https://lisalillibridge.com/2017/05/12/three-life-changing-words/

is complex thinking “always” smarter?

complex thinking lisa lillibridge

“Complexity is your enemy.  Anybody can make things complicated.  It’s hard to keep things simple”.

                                                                 —Richard Branson

From a LIFEHACK.org article:  “The understanding that complex thinking is not required at all times can significantly help conserve valuable energy. Though major projects and problems may require abstract thinking, day to day life approached in a simple way can help ease stress levels and potentiate energy for the things that matter to you most. Practicing discernment in this area therefore, may prove very beneficial in your progress through burnout.”

lifehack.org LINK