On this Mother’s Day, I really wanted to be honest with myself about it all. Mothering my kids has been heart-shatteringly beautiful and sometimes just plain heart-shattering, without the beauty part to soften the daily blows.
I can’t change anything and regret is a waste of energy anyway. If I try to tamp the regrets down, I know they will leak out in uncomfortable ways at inconvenient times.
Recently I noticed the TOP RACK ONLY button on the dishwasher. “Jeff and I will be a top rack only couple probably a few nights a week when the girls leave for college.” When I said this to myself, it made me cry inconsolably. Damn, that’s bleak.
These episodes are getting more frequent now as our nest nears it’s emptying…clearly a time for a little extra grace.
When Ellis, Lucy and Willa were growing up, I often did a quick review at the end of the day, asking myself one simple question: Did I love them more than I was pissed off at them? I don’t remember ever answering, NO. It was all the encouragement I needed to wake up and mother them another day.
I know I have to get out of my comfort zone more often,especially in this current political & social environment. Doing so might actually be an act of revolution now. On a long drive yesterday I caught up on some podcasts. The first one I listened to was: TED radio hour:comfort zones. I highly recommend it for everyone at every stage of life.
Last week my daughters and I traveled to Washington, DC. Lucy participated in the admitted students overnight at American University. She slept on the dorm floor of strangers, introduced herself to kids from all over the world and wondered how her skills and talents stacked up. Talk about a seventeen-year-old stepping out of their comfort zone, right? She stepped way out, which provided rocket fuel for her growth and made me think about my own.
Human beings tend to stick with our own kind. It’s soooooooo much easier. Hearing other people’s perspectives or learning something that doesn’t gel with what we’ve held to be true requiresintellectual agility. It’s hard work and requires lots of practice. That’s why we often end up sticking to what’s safe and familiar.
In adulthood, if we don’t force ourselves into unfamiliar situations, we can get really stuck.
As an artist, I’ve worked mostly alone for years, with very little feedback or performance reviews of any sort. If I want to grow, I need to be told when my work is bad, uninteresting, needs far more research or is hard to understand.
I’m truly grateful for the encouragement over the years from my friends and family regarding my creative work. The LIKES and comments have been very supportive, but it’s not enough.
True critical feedback is hard for people to give who are close to us. If we want to grow, we have to actively seek it out ourselves from other sources. It’s easier to hear when there isn’t an emotional risk involved. NOTE: I need to keep this in mind with my nearly eighteen-year-old girls now. They aren’t asking and I have to quit offering constant feedback now.
In the podcast, a social scientist says that possibilities come from reaching out to our “loose connections” NOT our friends & family. This makes sense to me especially when thinking about professional opportunities.
It’s time we all take off our fuzzy slippers, put on some sturdy walking shoes and start exploring the world way outside of the comfort zone.
