dreaming of epic failure…

Last night I awakened at 12:45am in a sweat with my heart racing. In my dream, I threw the discus so poorly in the competition that I blanked out my final five throws. I was being consoled by fellow senior athletes and we were laughing our asses off, sharing stories of our epic failures.

So, with my fear of total failure subconsciously out of the way, I now have to prepare myself to do my best. YIKES! Failure, I’m pretty comfortable with (especially as an artist, things fall apart all the time), success and having to put my money where my mouth is, I find far more daunting.

WHAT IS FEAR TO YOU?

Fear isn’t always to be stuffed away and avoided. Try inviting fear in, get curious about what it’s trying to tell you? It may a gift to you so you can see what needs to be confronted in your life.

NOTE: Today, I’m going to the rattlesnake museum. I’m am so afraid of snakes, I thought it might be a great way to prepare to compete tomorrow.

This hasn’t been my favorite year of my life-loss, sorrow, transition, cut-off, illness and so on. However, I’ve learned a lot and I’m proud of my resilience. We have to remind ourselves (often) of all the times we made it through life’s many challenges.

We are so much stronger than we think.

For inspiration, the spirit of my Dad and I are heading out to the track and field complex at UNM to watch the finals in the sprints. The first race is the 90-104-year-old women and the 50-meter race. Damn, if that isn’t inspiring, what is?

our virtual connectedness…

Yesterday in therapy it was suggested to me that perhaps I try only check my mail once or twice a day and put myself on a “news diet”. Well, this sounded a bit drastic when all I said was that the world seems far too anxious right now. However, this morning thanks to David Brooks at The New York Times I have a better understanding of what our hyper-vigilant (and virtual) relationships are doing to our collective consciousness. Yikes!

VIRTUAL:

1: being such in essence or effect though not formally recognized or admitted

2: being on or simulated on a computer or computer (Merriam Webster)

This is a very quick read.

EXCERPT: People ensconced in social media are more likely to be on perpetual alert: How are my ratings this moment? They are also more likely to feel that the amount of attention they are receiving is inadequate.

If you orient your life around money, you will never feel you have enough. Similarly, if you orient your life around attention, you will always feel slighted. You will always feel emotionally unsafe.

—David Foster Wallace, Kenyon College commencement address

The crybully starts with a genuine trauma. The terrible thing that happened naturally makes the crybully feel unsafe, self-protective and self-conscious to the point of self-absorption. The trauma makes that person intensely concerned about self-image.

The problem comes from the subsequent need to control any situation, the failure to see the big picture, the tendency to lash out in fear and anger as a way to fixate attention on oneself and obliterate others.”

I’m going to try to check my mail only twice and get away from my computer today. My eyes have been extra tired lately and would really welcome the break, as would my consciousness it seems.

i was going to write a post about…

ego death and then about a bunch of stuff I’m interested in right now. I find myself wanting to post less and less lately. For what it’s worth, here’s a list of my recent sparks. I see patterns emerge when I look at what’s taking up most of my thought time.

Sarah Blondin’s mediation on the INSIGHT app: Our Warring Self vs. Our Infinite Self. The time I showed up as a warrior for far too long when what was require of me was heart space. I noticed. I hope I can keep noticing. https://insighttimer.com/sarahblondin/guided-meditations/our-warring-self-vs-our-infinite-self

I really miss my Dad...the term Fatherless Daughter just hits me at the oddest times…especially with my girls are home from college now. Damn.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/35-hilarious-quotes-about-fatherhood-from-jim-gaffigan_n_5b3a9b01e4b05127cceb56ea

You Tube discus throwing videos, The National Senior Games are really soon. This is also about my Dad and connecting with my inner young athlete again.

Bowen Family theory https://thebowencenter.org/theory/eight-concepts/

Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. The brain uses an equal opportunity reward system, unable to distinguish drugs from behaviors or thought loops. https://www.asame..org/resources/definition-of-addiction

Low residency MFA programs, writing workshops, retreats where I could write, do some chores and go horseback riding out west. Any suggestions would be most welcomed. (Most google searches now.)

Patti Smith, Robert Mapplethorp, Andy Warhol, Janis Joplin, Sam Shepard…1960-70s New York City photographs.

New York Times Persian Food recipes I want to make, but probably won’t.

I want to go horseback riding out west and in Iceland.

What’s dominating your thoughts and google searches today, this week or year?

on perspective…

PERSPECTIVE noun

:the capacity to view things in their true relations or relative importance

I don’t always want to see things from other points of view or walk a mile in another woman or man’s shoes. I don’t have to first feel empathetic or sympathetic before I actually understand my own thoughts.

Maybe it’s best to let our perspectives have their way with us, initially anyway, keep what’s informative and then get curious about how other people view things.

The key I suppose, is not waiting so long that rigidity sets in and we become unable to change course, even as we acquire additional information.

My Perspective

“Shoulda taken a break, not an oxford comma Take what I want when I wanna”

—Billie Eilish lyrics from my strange addiction

Instead of rushing in to validate someone else’s perspective the way I’ve been conditioned to do, understanding what’s happening to my own nervous system regarding an event or circumstance seems well worth practicing.

I’m gonna take a break…more than an oxford comma. After all, I’m not often being chased by giant predators as my lizard brain endlessly tries to trick me into believing. I usually have the time to take a minute.

Thank you Willa, Lucy and Ellis for introducing me to Billie Eilish. Damn she’s really something.

fluid memories. girlhood…

a key to successful relationships…

HUMILITY noun

(CAMBRIDGE DICTIONARY) the feeling or attitude that you have no special importance that makes you better than otherslack of pride

“Pride makes us artificial, humility makes us real.” —Thomas Merton

—Loyola Marymont University philosophy professor, Jason Baehr writes in “Humility and Strengths”

“… Minimally, a humble person is aware of, rather than oblivious to or in denial about, her limitations.

But such awareness is not sufficient for humility, for a person could be aware of but chronically irritated by or defensive about her limitations. As such, she would be less than humble. Accordingly, humility also involves accepting or “owning” one’s limitations.

…humility involves a fitting awareness and responsiveness, not just toward one’s limitations and weaknesses, but also toward one’s abilities and strengths.”

Humility is about knowing ourselves—our weaknesses, strengths and where there’s room for growth in our understanding of both.  The more I read, I think this trait may be the key to lasting relationships.  

Pride and arrogance don’t build a lot of trust in one another and in turn make forgiveness of our transgressions much more difficult.

Now, if that isn’t a thought worth pondering on this day of celebrating LOVE, what is?

Happy Valentine’s Day 2019!

SOURCE: https://www.rawstory.com/2019/02/trait-key-lasting-romance/

homesteading my psyche

At fifty-two, I feel betwixt and between, no longer young and not yet old. Looking back I can see my life as remarkably valuable training and experience. To hell with regrets. I can’t change a damn thing. I know myself much better in midlife and that’s truly a gift. I also know I still have a lot to learn.

Like my prairie ancestors, I have an inherent longing now to settle or “prove up” one hundred and sixty acres. A sort of cognitive Homestead Act of my midlife psyche. A bit of a gamble, rife with elements of uncertainty, the heady buzz of adventure and the resilience to know I can handle whatever comes my way.

Funny to think about cognitive growth using these terms. However, metaphorically, it works pretty well. Claim my section. Select the crop.  Prep the land. Plant the seeds. Irrigate. Fertilize. Monitor growth. Harvest. Review.

These 3 simple questions help me often and perhaps might’ve helped my prairie ancestors as well. The trick is being able to actually answer them.

What’s working?

What’s not?

What’s next?

Homestead Act of 1982 “…and that such an application is made for his or her exclusive use and benefit, and that said entry is made for the purpose of actual settlement and cultivation, and not either directly or indirectly for the use of any other person or persons whomsoever…he or she shall thereupon be permitted to enter the quantity of land specified.”    

farewell 2018…

mystery • wonder • awe

Thank you 2018 for the the many lessons I’ve learned. I’m really done with you though. It’s time for a new year and a clean slate. I want 2019 to be filled with mystery, wonder and awe. My goal is to laugh far more and worry far less. I’ve decided that levity is my mantra for 2019.

LEVITY:  excessive or unseemly frivolity

Levity. Levity, Levity. Levity. Levity. Levity. Levity. Levity.

Happy New Year Folks!

a simple act of REVOLUTION…

There is a lot of heartache in the world…on social, personal and spiritual levels.

Right now it seems like an ACT of REVOLUTION to manage stress.  For the sake of my mental and physical health, I’m simply trying to lighten up.

Every morning, before I get out of bed, I smile (which feels weird, but actually changes your chemistry) and ask myself: How do I want to show up in the world today? 

The feel good neurotransmitters of dopamine, endorphins and serotonin are released when we smile.  This not only relaxes your body but can also lower your heart rate and blood pressure. 

the science of smiling/psychology today link

Sometimes when I awaken, I want my sorrow or my anger…not too often though.  However, when asked that question, the answer is almost always comically obvious.

We’re all energetic beings. 

How we show up in the world has a ripple effect—both positively & negatively.

How do you want to show up in the world today?