these images just keep coming…

I love it when an idea won’t let me go…it seems that it’s demanding more of me.  I have some travel time to sketch and write today on my way to my niece’s wedding in South Dakota and maybe some thoughts will take root.  I’m pretty sure these images are in reaction to my “shitty roommate” post from last week.  Perhaps these images represent the flip side of our lousy inner voice?  I thought of this quote as I worked on these photographs.

“Courage is like—it’s a habitus, a habit, a virtue: You get it by courageous acts. It’s like you learn to swim by swimming. You learn courage by couraging.”

—Brené Brown

Below is the link to the post I”m referencing.

https://lisalillibridge.com/2017/05/12/three-life-changing-words/

In December I was…

diagnosed with ADHD inattentive presentation.  I’ve suspected this for years, but at this stage in my life it was becoming unmanageable.  As an artist and mother of young kids I naturally had to shift gears constantly just to keep things running in our household.  There were endless ways I could stave off boredom and feed my brain’s insatiable hunger for disruption, distraction and change.

brain its the way it is lillibridge unfocused-focused

I could hide my challenges quite easily because the whole universe was operating in a constantly distracted way. The endless buzz in the world rewarded my brain with “quick fixes” and made me believe I was managing just fine.

Then four things collided at roughly the same time

1. My children became more independent and my day to day responsibilities shifted. 

2. My husband, children and friends were telling me that I was leaving out crucial information in my communication AND I was getting defensive about it.

3. I studied positive psychology and the necessity on both a personal and societal level to quit spinning, slow down, reflect and get more focused on how I want to spend my energy and talents.

4. I turned fifty.

I know people joke about the endless diagnoses out there.  I’m a little OCD or that’s my ADHD talking or I can’t get that done because of poor executive function etc.  I was resistant for years because I didn’t want to be off the hook for the behaviors that were affecting my life and those around me.  I did however, need some answers and solutions for help to narrow my focus and allow me to better utilize my skills in both my private and public life.

Now being able to look back at the ways ADHD manifested in my life has provided a certain amount of ease and less shame about my deficits than before.  As a child I was highly adaptive, creative and curious about so many different things.  However, I also was a day dreamer, a poor tester, I rarely followed directions and was often told that I wasn’t working to my potential.  I was always armed with loads of ideas and didn’t follow through on them. I created a narrative around my deficits that I was less than.

I fell asleep during the science portion of my ACT test in high school. I got the minimum score required to go to private schools in South Dakota.  I also dozed off during the ADHD test I recently took with a psychologist.  I think my brain was bored and the competition of it all wasn’t enough motivation for me.  I wasn’t getting any juice so my brain just shut it down.

I recently remembered as a high school kid reading one page of the dictionary before I went to sleep to boost my vocabulary.  When I think of this now I believe I was trying to find ways to boost how my intelligence presented to others because it was less quantifiable than my siblings and my peers.  The really smart kids wanted to be friends with me, but my grades were very average unless I loved the subject. Then I could focus.  Thank you English and creative writing.

My husband remembered that my Dad told him when we got married that he would have to help me with certain things—paying bills, insurance and so on.  My Dad knew on some level that I had some challenges with organization.  I recently found insurance paperwork he had requested in the 1980s for me to sign and send back.  I never did.  I guess he asked me again.

I did all of the stuff I was told to do to quiet my brain and help my focus—manage stress, exercise, meditate, rest and eat well…and yet it just wasn’t quite enough.  I’m taking a low dose of a psychostimulant on the days more focus is required of me.  Now, with greater knowledge about my brain’s chemistry, I have renewed hope and focus about my life.

So, I’m unsure why I need to share this now on such a public forum.  I guess I feel that storytelling is what we need now more than ever in this uncertain world.  I believe that a willingness to be vulnerable and share our stories and fears is very important in 2017.

I don’t want to hide behind this diagnoses.  I really am the only one that needs to understand my brain.  However, if my story helps you share your story than this was well worth my time.  We are all in this together.

Go forth and be bold and share something personal or painful from your story.  That small act of courage could change someone’s life.

 

http://www.adhd-brain.com/adhd-predominantly-inattentive.html

Bernie’s Inn—The famous Herrick, South Dakota institution.

As promised, Herrick folks, my niece and I paid a visit to Marilyn at Bernie’s Inn.  It was so much fun to see the place and be reminded of childhood memories—working in the honey house, hanging out after games and high school weekends driving around stopping in for a pop.  I hope you all enjoy the little trip down memory lane.  Be sure to visit next time you are in the area.  It’s well worth the effort.

Bernie’s Inn was established in 1973

The view as you enter.

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Look who greeted us at the door.

Marilyn Baxa/proprietor of Bernie’s Inn welcomed us and told us some stories about the place.

Blue Star Honey where I worked as a kid—love that whipped honey. YUMMY!

Family photos are everywhere.

Kettles on Stove Bernie's Inn

Kettles warming on the stove.

I visited on Sunday afternoon.   I suspect there was some lively card playing on Saturday night.  Darn, I missed it.

dog by door at Bernie's Inn

A quick snooze before hatching a sneaking out plan.

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Thank you Marilyn.

when wanderlust whispers…

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lillibridge-musicians-italy-south-dakot-roadjohnny-cash-lisa-lillibridge-south-dakota-two-lane

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geography & identity

I’m very curious about how our interior geography affects our moods and choices in life.  I find myself at nearly 50 years old realizing that I need a lot of spaciousness to feel most comfortable in my own skin.  I truly understand how growing up and forming my identity on the prairie instilled an interior geography within me. I want to understand this better.

prairie beach lillibridge interior geography

There is an eternal landscape, a geography of the soul; we search for its outlines all our lives.

—Josephine Hart, Irish novelist

I layered these images of flying into South Dakota and the Town Neck Beach approach in Sandwich, Massachusetts.  The vastness of the ocean gives me the same feeling of ease that the prairie gives me.  It doesn’t matter if I’m driving country roads in South Dakota or kayaking the Cape Cod Bay.  The inner feeling is the same.

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I just ordered this book:  Geographical Psychology: Exploring the Interaction of Environment and Behavior by Peter J. Rentfrow, PhD.

“The research described in this volume indicates that personality, political ideology, well-being, happiness, human virtues, and personal concerns are related to several important geographic social indicators.”

I can’t wait to delve further into more understanding about this subject.  As always, I would love to hear your thoughts and ideas.

 

 

girlhood

lucy and willa making facing lillibridge dakota 1966poster edges lillibridge dakota 1966

girls at the beach lillibridge dakota 1966hoola hooping girls lillibridge Lu Lu hair flying lillibridge

I didn’t quite achieve the effect I was seeking,

but I made a few more discoveries along the way that came out pretty cool.

I will keep trying adobe illustrator until I get it just right.

the stuff dreams are made of…

dream jpeg lisa lillibridge lillibridge dream dakota 1966 nine year old self

I loved this dream.  I’ve had a bit of crisis of confidence lately in my creative world and this was just the necessary tonic.  You know what my nine year old self loved to do?  I loved to write stories, draw, design a whole Barbie apartment complete with art, furniture and (occasional visits by G.I. Joe), pick up trash, make things out of trash, explore the world around me, play sports, watch television, talk to my friends, travel and eat potato chips.

I guess that old man was telling my inner voices to shut up. You are doing fine.